Conclusion
I knew I’d eventually get here. I presumed, anyway. I’m not exactly sure how to assess what I’ve done beyond what I’ve already written in this portfolio. I suppose the last step is grading myself.
I’ve never been great at self-assessment. I’ve certainly never enjoyed it. I’ve gotten better at appreciating my accomplishments over the years, but it’s something I’ve learned. It doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s often my wife or a friend who will point out a particular achievement and encourage me to celebrate it.
Even looking at all the words - all the stuff - I’ve uploaded to this website, I’m still not sure what I accomplished. It’s a lot of stuff, and I worked hard to collect the stuff, but I don’t know how to judge the stuff. I suppose that’s what a rubric is for.
In my introduction, I wrote:
“ Two of the three listed learning outcomes were consistently on my mind throughout my work this semester. The first, “To understand how European colonial power structures, practices, and epistemologies have exerted hegemonic power over other musical practices, epistemologies, and historical narratives.” I spent less time on the “how” and focused instead on what we as music students are missing as a result of powerful people deciding whose music has worth.”
And:
“ The second objective that is baked into my work is “to develop strategies to decolonize the post-secondary study of music history.” I haven’t posed it as a question to be answered, but rather accepted this as an established scenario. In studying music theory from the perspective of Indian Classical Music traditions, I set out to develop my ability to connect with musicians from different cultural backgrounds.”
In the former, I focused mostly on two artists I didn’t know before starting the listening logs. I became enamored with both Emilie Mayer and Ethel Smyth, learning more about these composers than I anticipated when setting out to take some notes on some tunes to have a little more stuffing in my portfolio. There are more logs I’ve outlined and simply don’t have the time to finish. As I type this, it’s 1:50 am on the 9th of December, the very day this project is due. And as tired as I am, I want to keep listening and I want to keep writing. Mayer and Smyth left us with so much art and very few people have been paying attention and I’m mad that people don’t know their names, and I’m excited that I know their names.
In the latter, I dug into Indian classical music and found myself way over my head before I realized I had even started. There is so much history, so much music, and it is familiar and foreign all at once. It’s comforting even when it feels confusing, and I’ve enjoyed the process, the dead ends, the experiments for the sake of experimenting, and I’ve enjoyed the music.
Neither objective feels complete, and I keep reminding myself that there was no cut-off to this project. There isn’t an end, just an arbitrary point in time when I have to hand a collection of words to a person who has to read it.
As ruminate on all this and I compare what I’m writing with the Portfolio Assessment Guide, I think my grade should land between the 80s and 90s. I feel gross saying that. Giving myself credit feels gross. That’s a conversation for my therapist, but it feels like you should know that too. I wanted this project to be more than it is. I wanted the site to have more buttons and more banners. I wanted more videos and more audio examples. I wanted to do more. So to score myself this high feels like cheating. But when I read my stated goals and compare it to what I accomplished, I think I ended up doing more than I set out to do.